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In the video cast below, our student writer takes a closer look at her thesis from her rough draft introduction and makes some revisions based on the things she has learned about a good thesis in The Writing Process area of the Excelsior OWL.
When I first drafted my thesis, I thought it was okay, but I knew it would need some revision. I could tell I was a little vague in some places, and I wasn’t being as clear as I would have liked about my purpose. Additionally, once I really looked at my thesis, I found that it just went on and on. My teacher said I had “excessive coordination,” which means I just kept going, adding complete thoughts and conjunctions like “and” or “but.”
So I revised to separate the one long sentence into a two-sentence thesis, and I tried to be more specific about both my purpose in studying the culture I chose and what I learned from my study.
I think this thesis is a lot stronger, though it is still a working thesis at this point. This means I may still need to revise it as I continue writing my paper.